May 8, 2009 The Mint, Los Angeles, California
Moonalice poster by Alexandra Fischer
According to Moonalice legend, the LA area was once home to a thriving Moonalice community. In fact, they were the first humans to live here. The early Moonalice settlers lived along the beaches of what is now Malibu. They prospered there, growing hemp, playing bass, and body surfing on the beach. Many centuries later, a new tribe – known as the Beautiful People – came to town. In what would become typical Moonalice fashion, the tribe welcomed the newcomers, sharing everything they had with them. The next morning, while the Moonalice tribe members were still sleeping off that wild night, the Beautiful People put away their deep tans and fancy cocktails and erected nasty fences with signs that said “No Trespassing.” They explained that henceforth, the beach would only be available to homeowners, and that violators would be persecuted. The demanded that the Moonalice tribe move on. They moved a mile up the beach. And that’s how urban sprawl began in Los Angeles.
According to Moonalice legend, today, May 8, is the 123rd birthday of Coca-Cola. Pharmacist John Pemberton had been experimenting in his back room. His original plan was to make a hemp flavored beverage. Unfortunately, Mrs. P used up his entire stash in a batch of brownies, so the pharmacist was forced to use cocaine instead. The rest, as they say, is legend.
According to Moonalice legend, human chorionic gonadotropin is not approved for use in the tribe. The Moonalice tribe has no problem with Manny Ramirez enjoying some HCG – we love Manny and are exceptionally tolerant when it comes to self-medication – but as a matriarchy, the tribe prefers hemp to testosterone.
According to Moonalice legend, today is also the 132nd anniversary of the first Westminster Dog Show. What they don’t tell you is that the original idea was to have the dogs vote for best owner, rather than the other way around. It was a 500-way tie. The dogs realized that 500-way ties would eventually be terrible for television ratings, so they persuaded their owners to switch the format to the one they have used for the past 132 years.
Listen to this show now at Moonalice.com.