April 29, 2009 River Street Jazz Cafe, Plains, Pennsylvania
Moonalice poster by Chris Shaw
According to Wikipedia, the original native tribes in this area were the Shawanese and the Delaware. What gives? No mention of the Moonalice tribe? The Moonalice legend is very specific on this point. The tribe has been here since dinosaurs roamed the earth. Yes, indeed. According to Moonalice legend, the tribe in those days showed far more initiative than it does now. They had two occupations, funeral homes and farming, and their hard work in those areas made our way of life possible. You see, the Moonalice undertakers buried dinosaurs while the farmers farmed dinosaur poop. The carcasses eventually turned into petroleum, while the poop turned into coal. So what I’m saying is that the tribe is responsible for global warming. Go figure.
According to Moonalice legend, Wilkes-Barre was a major stop on the Underground Railroad. The station master in those days was N. Phineas Moonalice, who didn’t realize that the Underground Railroad had a timetable and expected him to keep the trains on time. Phineas thought his job was to wear a uniform with a nice hat and provide fresh doobies to passengers exiting the railroad at Wilkes-Barre. Management of the Underground Railroad as about to come down hard on Phineas when they discovered that his doobies were doing wonders for sales. Slaves throughout the south considered the alternatives – slavery or doobie – and without exception they chose the Underground Railroad to Wilkes-Barre.
Wikipedia claims that the first customers for cable programming got HBO in 1972 in Wilkes-Barre. Apparently they don’t count Moonalice’s pioneering contribution to pay cable – a 1968 live broadcast of the first 4/20 smokeout in Tokalot County. One explanation for the oversight may have been the failure of that broadcast. The entire Moonalice Television Network team passed out just before show time and viewers saw nothing but a test pattern. For reasons to no one can explain, the tv audience thought the test pattern was fantastic, causing the Moonalice Television Network to rebroadcast it every year since then.
According to Moonalice legend, Wilkes-Barre is the birthplace of Mister Peanut. The tribe believes in mascots – we travel with a bunch of them – but Mister Peanut is special. It’s not just the top hat and monacle. It’s the fact that Mister Peanut doesn’t wear pants. For a guy with nuts in his name, that is very brave.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the first anniversary of the death of Dr. Albert Hoffman, the inventor of LSD. Dr. Hoffman invented LSD when he was 37 and then lived to be 102. Coincidence? We think not!!!
Listen to this show now at Moonalice.com.