January 31, 2009 Don Quixote’s, Felton, California Moonalice poster by Alexandra FischerAccording to Moonalice legend, the first European settlers in Felton may have gotten off to a very bad start. The settlers came here for lumber. As every Moonalice grade schooler can tell you, the Felton area may have been home to the mythical and now extinct Redwood Hemp. These towering giants of the cannabis family grew for centuries. The flowers are said to have been the size of a Volkswagen Bus. The perfume was so strong that one whiff could turn a complete asshole into a gentle soul. The trees were sacred to the tribe, which lived in and on the smell. Unfortunately, the Europeans didn’t figure out the “smell, don’t smoke” concept until it was too late. They harvested the whole forest, smoked the VW buds, got so buzzed they lost the seeds, felt guilty and built a railroad. No worries. It was an honest mistake. According to Moonalice legend, the grass is always greener before you harvest it. According to Moonalice legend, this venue was built on the site of the ancestral home of Sancho Panza Moonalice. In Moonalice legend, Sancho holds a special place. He invented the concept of the sidekick, ultimately legitimizing it as a career option for tone deaf tribe members with brown thumbs. Sancho had soft hands that lent themselves to rolling fat ones. This made him popular in the tribe, but especially with a loony conquistador named Quixote, who jousted windmills with the doobies that Sancho rolled. Sancho’s unique personality and skills led to legendary adventures . . . According to Moonalice legend, Sancho Panza Moonalice started a school for sidekicks on this site. He opened his doors hundreds of years ago. At first there were no takers, then a young tribe member named Tonto showed up, followed by an escaped slave named Jim. Over the years Sancho trained dozens of Hall of Fame sidekicks, including Robin, The Sundance Kid, Jughead, Alfalfa and Bu’wheat, Ernie the Muppet, Fred and Ethel Mertz, Gracie Allen, Trigger, Wimpy, Pokie, Barney Rubble, Muttley, Art Carney, Tommy Smothers, Dick Martin, Slim Pickins, Gabby Hayes, Ed McMahon, C3PO, Fred Willard, Willard Scott, Vanna White, Neal Cassady, and Paul Shaefer. Then Pancho trained Dick Cheney. That’s when the tribe fired him and converted the school to a music venue. According to Moonalice legend, on this day in 1876, all native Americans were forced onto reservations. Unfortunately, Moonalice overslept, so we didn’t get one. We experienced the assault on our culture, but without a place to enjoy it. Moonalice also missed out on casinos. Apparently the tribe couldn’t even get it together to get screwed properly by the US Government. M137 Listen to this show now at Moonalice.com.
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