August 29, 2009 The Mint, Los Angeles, California
Moonalice poster by Ron Donovan
According to Moonalice legend, the University of Southern California may be considering the formation of a Department of Crypto-Zoology. Crypto-Zoology is the study of creatures that no one has ever seen . . . and it is one of the core academic fields of Moonalice scholars. We just got back from Alaska, where we hunted for the Common Rhino Puffin and the Arctic Hippo. The Rhino Puffin is reported to have an invisible horn that it uses to spear fish. The Arctic Hippo is exceptionally large and is rumored to disguise itself as a boulder in rivers or a small island in larger bodies of water. While we had no confirmed sightings, we are pleased to report evidence of the presence of both Crypto-Critters. Around here, we are in hot pursuit of the Fire Breathing Knucklehead, a near sighted member of the moron family that may be responsible for the forest fires around here. If Crypto-Zoology sounds like your kind of academic field, we would encourage you to write the president of USC and demand the creation of a new department. The president’s name is Steven Sample. We have the address and phone number if you are interested.
According to Moonalice legend, a great mystery exists about why LA doesn’t have a professional football team. You used to have a football team. More than one, in fact. But that experiment was apparently deemed to be a failure. Why? We consulted the Legend and discovered the truth. It turns out that professional football in LA posed a threat to the Moonalice way of life. Each year the local hemp harvest suffered as crops went to seed while LA fans stayed glued to their games. You can imagine the quality crisis that resulted from this. It was clear that LA just wasn’t able to balance a life of hemp AND professional football. Obviously, the football addiction had to go. We feel bad about that, but hemp must always take precedence over fun and games.
According to Moonalice legend, August 29 has been an important day in history. Today is the 43rd anniversary of the Beatles’ last concert. On this day in 1786, an armed uprising of Massachusetts farmers was the first tax rebellion in America. Shays Rebellion accomplished nothing other than inspiration for generations of birthers and tea baggers. Today is also the 167th anniversary of the Treaty of Nanking, which ended the first opium war. How they all got it together to have a second opium war after that is beyond us. Elsewhere in war news, today is the 148th anniversary of the Second Battle of Bull Run, where the 420 Moonalice signal brigade distinguished itself with billows of hemp smoke that confused the Yankees and motivated the Confederate soldiers to victory.
According to Moonalice legend, today is New Year’s Day in ancient Egypt. It would also be Charlie Parker’s 89th birthday. It is also the birthday of Ingrid Bergman, who also died on this day a few years later.
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