July 31, 2009 19 Broad­way, Fair­fax, Cal­i­for­nia
Moon­al­ice poster by Dave Hunter

Accord­ing to Moon­al­ice leg­end, today is the day when Howl­ing Mon­key returned to the tribe. Hence­forth, July 31 will be known as The Night of a Thou­sand Monkeys.

Accord­ing to Moon­al­ice leg­end, the town of Fair­fax was home to the annual Moon­al­ice hemp rodeo. It was a small town affair with lots of spirit. The local grow­ers gath­ered in mid-July to com­pare their prod­uct. Favorite events included Bud Wran­gling, one-handed doo­bie rolling, and the ever-popular Bong Hit Rop­ing, where the win­ner is the one who can hold the most smoke for the longest time. But the pay­off event at every hemp rodeo was the One Toke Over the Line Puff Marathon. By the time it was over, half the town was passed out in the ring. The last Hemp rodeo was over a hun­dred years ago, but the trime has come to bring it back.

Accord­ing to Moon­al­ice leg­end, today is the anniver­sary of Black Tot Day in the United King­dom. Black Tot has noth­ing to do with Short­ies. Black Tot refers to the offi­cial ration of rum pro­vided each day to every sea­man in the Royal Navy. They used to buy a shit­load of rum in the Royal Navy, but that changed in 1970, when the Navy stopped pick­ing up the tab. Some claim the change was due to cost cut­ting or mis­placed “fam­ily” val­ues. But the leg­end sug­gests another expla­na­tion. What if the Royal Navy wanted to switch to some­thing less dan­ger­ous than rum? Hemp per­haps? Con­sider the facts. They ended the Black Tot in 1970. Hemp weighs far less than rum, which is good news on a ship. Hemp is not addic­tive. Hemp can be grown in Eng­land, unlike rum. It’s obvi­ous. To cel­e­brate, we rec­om­mend you do as the Navy did: splice the main brace! This is Navy talk for dou­ble rations.

Accord­ing to Moon­al­ice leg­end, today is Hawai’i Flag Day. Hawaii has had 8 flags since 1793, all but one with the Eng­lish Union Jack. In a few weeks, we cel­e­brate the 50th anniver­sary of Hawai’i’s state­hood. Say what you will about the Eisen­hower Admin­is­tra­tion, they gave us both Alaska and Hawai’i. The Moon­al­ice tribe thinks that is more than enough.

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