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June 18 & 19, 2009 Applegate River Lodge, Applegate, Oregon
Moonalice poster by David Singer
(June 18) According to Moonalice legend, the Oregon Trail ended in Eugene, after which settlers took a left onto the Applegate Trail that brought them here. Have you ever wondered why there was an Applegate Trail in the first place? There’s no city here. Applegate was actually a major agricultural hub of the Moonalice tribe. Before the white man came, all of the fertile fields around here were planted with hemp. Johnny Hempseed finished his transcontinental planting trip here. The matriarch Mary Jane Moonalice improved on Johnny’s ideas with the development of the Leaky Sack, which dropped seeds at precisely the right interval. For centuries, hemp was the dominant form of agriculture. Then came Harry & David, peaches, and mail order. The tribe moved back to California.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 194th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo. Do you know the story of the Battle of Waterloo? Wellington and Napoleon get all the headlines, but the real story relates to a lieutenant in the Wellington’s Coalition Army named Throckmorton Moonalice. He was in charge of the 420 Moonalice Signal Battalion of Manitoba, a small force responsible for smoke signals. The days leading up to the decisive battle saw Wellington deploy his forces brilliantly. The 420 Signal Battalion had to smoke up a storm to keep pace with Wellington, but they performed beyond all expectation. On the morning of the battle, the entire battalion passed out with severe symptoms of smoke inhalation. They slept through the battle.
Today is Autistic Pride Day. Do what you can.
According to Moonalice legend, today is the 136th anniversary of Susan B. Anthony’s conviction for trying to vote. She was fined $100. Susan B. was a bit of a broom butt, but she was also one of the great matriarchs in the Moonalice tribe. Twenty-six years ago, Sally Ride, another great Moonalice chief, became the first American woman in space. Tonight we salute the matriarchs of the Moonalice tribe.
(June 19th) According to Moonalice legend, the town of Applegate was named for Lindsay Applegate, who was the first to arrive there. He traveled in the company of two men: Jesse Applegate and Charles Applegate. History claims the Applegates were brothers. That was probably true. But what if they weren’t?
Happy Birthday to Moses Horowitz!!! Mean ol’ brother Moe tormented the beloved Curly, but always brought out the best in him. According to Moonalice legend, the Applegate River has special powers. Apparently if you sit it in long enough, your skin will bunch up like a prune.
According to Moonalice legend, there is a Moonalice Poetry museum near Elko, NV. The museum had only one poem. Until now. Hardwood and I discovered two versions of a Moonalice poem right here at the Applegate Lodge. Here’s how it goes:
There once was a drummer named Smoke,
Who played drums like a demon on coke,
He hit like Ali,
At a hundred and three,
Knocking out hits with each stroke
There once a drummer named Smokey
Played like a demon who’s cokey
Tho a genius at riddles
And advanced para diddles
Still the Feds put his ass in the pokey
According to Moonalice legend, today is Juneteenth, a holiday that celebrates the liberation of slaves in Texas in 1865. The white guys were able to hide the news of the Emancipation Proclamation for over two years. We called Twitter to find out how this could have happened. Apparently Twitter was down throughout the 19th and 20th centuries due to planned pre-maintenance.