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October 8, 2008 The Thirsty Ear, Columbus, Ohio
Moonalice poster of David Singer
According to Moonalice legend, when tribal matriarchs moved on to the Happy Hemp Ground, the were buried with their most valued possession. For most Moonmamas, that prized possession was often an enormous ceremonial bong. Depending on the size of the bong, the resulting burial site could be anything from a hump to a mound to the astonishing Mt. Trashmore in Virginia.
I bring this up because the first sentence in the History of Columbus in Wikipedia describes “evidence of ancient mound-building societies” right in the middle of what is now Columbus. This was news to us, so we consulted the Moonalice legend.
The story is incredible. When the Moonalice tribe settled in this area — about 1,000 year ago — they built an advanced civilization. One of the quirks, though, is that every member of tribe lived in his or her own home. The houses were tiny, but every one of them had running water and central hemp. So when a tribe member died, the family just buried the whole house. You can still feel the vibe on Mound Street.
According to Moonalice legend, if you consume enough hemp products you can see Russia from HERE.
According to Moonalice legend, many members of the tribe worked on the Underground Railroad. One of the most famous was Zippo Moonalice, who had a long career as a fireman on the railroad. Zippo grew up in Columbus, and got his start as a gardener at the Kelton House Underground Railroad terminal. Zippo’s job was to keep his engine’s potboiler running at full intensity. His great contribution to the Underground Railroad was the discovery that stems and seeds just muck up the engine. So Zippo cultivated the finest buds so that his locomotive would run faster and higher than any other. The rest, as they say, is legend.
According to Moonalice legend, October 8 did not happen in 1582 in Italy, Spain, Poland, and Portugal. This is the second day this week that has gone missing from 1582. Why? That’s the year they switched to the Gregorian Calendar and some clerk misplaced a bunch of days in October.
According to the audience at the Thirsty Ear, today was Talk Like A Pirate Day. They invoked two little known provisions of the Moonalice Legend: they could use Moonalice Standard Time to fall back to September 19 (the official Talk Like a Pirate Day) or they declare today a High Holy Day with a Talk Like a Pirate theme.