10–8-08 The Thirsty Ear, Colum­bus, OH poster of David Singer

10/8/08 Moonalice poster by David SingerOcto­ber 8, 2008 The Thirsty Ear, Columbus, Ohio
Moon­al­ice poster of David Singer

Accord­ing to Moon­al­ice leg­end, when tribal matri­archs moved on to the Happy Hemp Ground, the were buried with their most val­ued pos­ses­sion. For most Moon­ma­mas, that prized pos­ses­sion was often an enor­mous cer­e­mo­nial bong. Depend­ing on the size of the bong, the result­ing bur­ial site could be any­thing from a hump to a mound to the aston­ish­ing Mt. Trash­more in Virginia.

I bring this up because the first sen­tence in the His­tory of Colum­bus in Wikipedia describes “evi­dence of ancient mound-building soci­eties” right in the mid­dle of what is now Colum­bus. This was news to us, so we con­sulted the Moon­al­ice legend.

The story is incred­i­ble. When the Moon­al­ice tribe set­tled in this area — about 1,000 year ago — they built an advanced civ­i­liza­tion. One of the quirks, though, is that every mem­ber of tribe lived in his or her own home. The houses were tiny, but every one of them had run­ning water and cen­tral hemp. So when a tribe mem­ber died, the fam­ily just buried the whole house. You can still feel the vibe on Mound Street.

Accord­ing to Moon­al­ice leg­end, if you con­sume enough hemp prod­ucts you can see Rus­sia from HERE.

Accord­ing to Moon­al­ice leg­end, many mem­bers of the tribe worked on the Under­ground Rail­road. One of the most famous was Zippo Moon­al­ice, who had a long career as a fire­man on the rail­road. Zippo grew up in Colum­bus, and got his start as a gar­dener at the Kel­ton House Under­ground Rail­road ter­mi­nal. Zippo’s job was to keep his engine’s pot­boiler run­ning at full inten­sity. His great con­tri­bu­tion to the Under­ground Rail­road was the dis­cov­ery that stems and seeds just muck up the engine. So Zippo cul­ti­vated the finest buds so that his loco­mo­tive would run faster and higher than any other. The rest, as they say, is legend.

Accord­ing to Moon­al­ice leg­end, Octo­ber 8 did not hap­pen in 1582 in Italy, Spain, Poland, and Por­tu­gal. This is the sec­ond day this week that has gone miss­ing from 1582. Why? That’s the year they switched to the Gre­go­rian Cal­en­dar and some clerk mis­placed a bunch of days in October.

Accord­ing to the audi­ence at the Thirsty Ear, today was Talk Like A Pirate Day. They invoked two lit­tle known pro­vi­sions of the Moon­al­ice Leg­end: they could use Moon­al­ice Stan­dard Time to fall back to Sep­tem­ber 19 (the offi­cial Talk Like a Pirate Day) or they declare today a High Holy Day with a Talk Like a Pirate theme.

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