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July 4 & 5, 2008 The Knotty Pine, Victor, Idaho
Moonalice poster by Alexandra Fischer
According to Moonalice legend, July 4 is a day with magical powers. For one thing, it is the approximate date of aphelion, when the earth is at the furthest point in its orbit around the sun. When the sun is far away, interesting things happen, both in the tribe and out. In 18th century America — before the Revolutionary War — Moonalice tribe members lobbied aggressively for the freedom to grow hemp and play bass. Progress on the initiative was very slow until the tribe found a way to align itself with white colonists. They did so over the issue of taxation without representation. The tribe had no idea what taxation without representation meant, but it seems like a huge threat to the tribal hemp crop, so Moonalice joined the rebellion in the 1770s. Then, from July 1 to July 4, 1776, the tribe catered the meeting of the Second Continental Congress. They served traditional pub food with a variety of tasty deserts made from derivatives of the tribe’s own hemp crop. From all reports, the Second Continental Congress was a huge success. The best evidence was that somehow they lost the original Declaration of Independence. Legend has it that the document was written on hemp paper and that prodigious amounts of hemp were consumed that night. All we know is that the darn Declaration disappeared that night, never to be seen again. Fortunately, the tribe had kept a copy, so that Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock and the rest of the gang could issue a Declaration that would change the world. That part part is history. The rest, as they say, is legend.
According to Moonalice legend, the great explorers Lewis & Clark might never have gotten home from their trek across the continent had it not been for the Moonalice tribe. The explorers got lost west of Yellowstone Park — in present day Victor, ID — and were rescued by Witchway Moonalice, matriach of the local Moonalice tribe. Although Witchway’s story has disappeared from history, it lives on in the Moonalice legend. Here is just a bit of it:
Witchway was born some time around 1776. For reasons no one can explain, every member of her tribe operated on a different calendar … and no one kept records. All we know is that Witchway showed great promise as a child, debuting as first bassist in the tribal band at age four. She also demonstrated the greenest of thumbs. While her hemp was not much use for rope, its quick maturation and prodigious THC levels led to her tribe’s first great encounter with Confusionism.
When Lewis & Clark stumbled upon the tribal farming grounds in July 1806, they thought they might have found a new product that might compete with tobacco. Lewis & Clark put some in their pipes and smoked it. A fierce attack of the munchies immediately sent them scampering for snack food. Soon they were completely lost. Fortunately, they still had some of the interesting green flower they had found on Witchway’s farm. Just before they ran out, Witchway found Lewis & Clark. They were making funny faces at Lewis’ pet Newfoundland (Seaman) and giggling.
Witchway spent a few days teaching the explorers how best to enjoy hemp products, after which she put them back on their way home. Unfortunately, Lewis & Clark spaced their stash a few nights later. The good news is that they got home safely. The rest, as we say, is legend.